A Little Long-Winded

A few weeks ago I spent a lot of time reading old blog posts on here. This blog has been around since 2008 and I have always been a pretty active blogger, so there is a lot to read through. I've said it before, but I feel like my quality of writing has gone down a lot since I began. Reading how I wrote in High School, I feel like I had such a better way with words then I do now, and I've been reflecting on how I lost that. 

I can see that my blogging changed a lot once I got married and became "a real adult". Not that getting married was a bad thing, I love my Bear and I love being married, just a lot of things changed all at once; my family moved over 2,000 miles away. I got a job that I loathed. I did not continue my education. I stopped learning. And I think my biggest mistake was becoming inactive. I stopped growing. I just focused on paying bills and I lost all sense of direction. Rather then using all the changes as a opportunity to learn and grow, I just shut down.

Once I did finally become active again, my photography helped inspire me. I was busy and happy with all the clients I was taking on and the art I was creating. And after two years I finally was brave enough to quit the job I hated so much. And that took a lot for me. I began working as a substitute teacher. And while it was something way out of my comfort zone I loved every second of it.

But life took a unexpected turn and we felt we needed to move to VA. And while we know this is where we are supposed to be, particularly for Dave and his career, which is on a really exciting path, I find myself back at square one, not sure what to do with myself.

I know what I want. I can answer that without hesitating; I want to be a mom. I know that's what my main purpose is in life. But I don't think that's my purpose right now. I want to uplift and inspire people, I just don't know how.

I've started viewing life with different chapters. Some chapters seem long, and some seem short, some are more important then others. Some close and open on their own, while others require us to close and open them. In the end we look back, and some are fuzzy while some we will always remember clearly. And it will all fit together as this perfect book that will be our life. 

I can see some of my future chapters really clearly. I know at some point I will become a mom, and I know I will feel so fulfilled. I feel we will serve missions once we are retired, and that will be really wonderful. But right now I'm just not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing in this chapter. And I feel like there is something rather important I'm supposed to be doing right now. I'm just not sure what that is. 

I've learned lately that my lack of self esteem keeps me from doing things. Since living in VA I haven't pursued growing my photography business. One, because with ticks and the humidity I feel limited in where I can shoot, taking me out of my comfort zone. Making me feel scared and like I'm not good enough. So I just don't pursue it.

And how many times now have I started a diet and work out routine? Just to stop because I don't feel like I'm good enough. Not good enough at knowing what to eat. Not good enough at working out properly, with the correct form, and not working hard enough for it to be effective. So I quit. 

There have been so many topics, politically and religiously, that I have wanted to blog about that I have held back from sharing because I don't feel like I can convey my opinions and feelings well enough. That I don't have the education to have a valid opinion. So I don't share.

So many times I have said I want to write a book. But I don't even start because I don't think I can write anything that would be good enough, that would be worth anyone's time. So I don't even try.

I don't even really know what the point of this post is. I suppose just to share, in case someone out there is feeling the same way, or has felt the same way. And if you have any advice I have open ears. 

This use to be my online journal. I posted just about anything that popped into my brain. I want to start doing that again. I want to be more free in posting here. 

So here's to sharing more. And learning to trust and love myself more.

And here's to just trying. To trying to accomplish goals. Because it's better than just doing nothing.

Thanks for reading. 

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